I came home from the Dr.’s office and was so angry with myself. I had gained 4 1/2 pounds when I had been trying so hard to lose weight! I have to go back in 4 weeks and I am thinking to myself I will lose more weight by then! Then the sneaky silent inner voice of my eating disorder comes in and says it doesn’t matter…you won’t lose that weight anyway.
I stopped at the snack machines and loaded up there for the peace and quiet of my room when my friend called and asked if she could pick me up something from the store and I said “sure!”
As soon as my friend got back from the store she showed me what she’d gotten me. All I was interested in was the ice cream and finishing my binge in secret. So, one pint of ice cream, two pop tarts, two small bags of SmartPop(trying to be healthy lol) and a lunchable later I was “done”. Then I left to have dinner with friends at our favorite spot and ate a full meal there.
I went home for the night feeling really guilty and ready to do anything to get rid of the feelings I was having. I knew better than to do this again, I am sure of it. I know the tools, the symptoms, all of it yet I am still struggling to control my binging.
Now several days later I look back and see where I could have changed courses and I am trying to accept that I am not a horrible person for doing what I did, but knowing I can become a better person when I work towards eating disorder recovery, not binging and indulging in the person I want to become.
It does behoove me to mention that I didn’t break my Lenten fast from SODA!! I didn’t think I would last a day, but now I am on day 15. YAY!~ At least there is something in my life right now to celebrate. 🙂
Have a great day!