Invisible Monster lurking!

I came home from the Dr.’s office and was so angry with myself. I had gained 4 1/2 pounds when I had been trying so hard to lose weight! I have to go back in 4 weeks and I am thinking to myself I will lose more weight by then! Then the sneaky silent inner voice of my eating disorder comes in and says it doesn’t matter…you won’t lose that weight anyway.

I stopped at the snack machines and loaded up there for the peace and quiet of my room when my friend called and asked if she could pick me up something from the store and I said “sure!”

Food_Circle2

 

As soon as my friend got back from the store she showed me what she’d gotten me. All I was interested in was the ice cream and finishing my binge in secret. So, one pint of ice cream, two pop tarts, two small bags of SmartPop(trying to be healthy lol) and a lunchable later I was “done”. Then I left to have dinner with friends at our favorite spot and ate a full meal there.

I went home for the night feeling really guilty and ready to do anything to get rid of the feelings I was having. I knew better than to do this again, I am sure of it. I know the tools, the symptoms, all of it yet I am still struggling to control my binging.

Now several days later I look back and see where I could have changed courses and I am trying to accept that I am not a horrible person for doing what I did, but knowing I can become a better person when I work towards eating disorder recovery, not binging and indulging in the person I want to become.
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It does behoove me to mention that I didn’t break my Lenten fast from SODA!! I didn’t think I would last a day, but now I am on day 15. YAY!~ At least there is something in my life right now to celebrate. 🙂

Have a great day!

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2 thoughts on “Invisible Monster lurking!

  1. Congrats on giving up soda!! That was so hard for me too but now it’s been…4 years and I don’t miss it. Mindful self-compassion is what I always come back to in ED recovery. What am I doing and why am I doing it? Then make the most loving choice I can in that moment.

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  2. I think you have a bunch of things to celebrate. You are starting to listen to your inner voice when it says “it doesn’t matter if I gain” and “I see where I could change my course”! That’s the beginnings of the recovery road!

    I’ve been in recovery for about 13 years and I understand everything you just described. You are NOT a horrible person, I thought I’d tell you just in case no one else does.

    Realizing, seeing other paths, that’s how recovery starts. That’s how we begin to take those paths!

    I’m super excited for you so keep on looking for the other roads and one day, I believe, you’ll find yourself taking them.

    Keri
    The Crooked Mirror

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